How to Pick a Bad Fantasy Football Team?

June 7, 2009

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Bill Parsons asked:

Pick kickers early!

We’ll start with the obvious, and there’s no sign more glaring that a fellow owner spends too much time watching Joey reruns than picking a kicker in the 7th round. Seriously, if you’re expecting Jeff Wilkins to outscore most decent second-tier wideouts on a regular basis, you’re destined for Flushing Meadows. Consider picking your first kicker sometime after the World Series celebrations are over.

I gave up studying in college!

What, me study? Yes indeed: you study, Geico pitchman. If you think a quick glance at 2007 stats is enough preparation for your draft, consider applying for a job with the Lions organization. Seriously. You know why the Lions haven’t sniffed the playoffs since Wayne Fontes got canned? Matt Millen no study. It’s true. See 1996-2007.

I haven’t seen a doctor in yeeaaaars!

So you don’t like to read the injury report? Who does!? Injuries can be so gruesome, and it’s hard to tell if Mike Shanahan is telling the truth. Actually, it is: if an injury concerns a Denver player, don’t worry. Unless of course it’s a running back, in which case grab anyone else from Denver with RB-eligibility, especially rookies. It’s written into the NFL bylaws that the second-string back in Denver hits 1,000 yards each year.

Autodraft is your friend!

Autodraft is your friend in the same way that Jesse Jackson is Barack Obama’s buddy: Jesse may make you feel like a brother in arms at first, but if you don’t keep an eye on him, your nuts will be cut off faster than Drew Peterson’s line of credit at a gun store. You’d best be protecting your nuts, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Don’t pick the enemy!

It’s a well-known fact that the bad karma generated by rooting for your home team’s natural enemy has caused the loss of many a close NFL game. Vikings fans with the Bears D hate to root both ways on game day, and many a Patriots fan has been left with a Peyton Manning dilemma.

The rule is: no matter how good the player, if he plays for the enemy, don’t pick him! Leave him for somebody else, and pick a Titans running back instead. Whew! (Special note: this rule does not apply to Lions players and Chiefs wideouts, who generally don’t affect the outcome of

NFL games.)

I can beat the experts!

Why drop another $12.99 on a so-called “Expert Draft Package” when you’ve got all the information you need in front of you? Seriously, you add up that $12.99 over say…8 or 10 seasons, and you’ve got yourself a free league entry fee. Plus, you can have the enjoyment of knowing all those other suckers got ripped off by a team of guys who can’t possibly do this for a living. Can they?

Um…Okay, so I’ll listen to just one expert!

The only mistake worse than not reading any expert advice is reading only one expert. Why? Because he could be wrong. Seriously, dead wrong. More wrong than Bill Clinton as the “first gentleman” in the White House. And honestly, despite the morbid fascination of seeing a first husband hit with adultery charges, who do you think really wants to see that?

Grab that extra QB early!

Drafting too many too early of any one position with the hope that you can trade one is like playing hooky on a half-day of work. While it’s always fun to play hooky, you can’t help but think you might just have blown an opportunity to make a better choice. While you’re waiting to find a trade partner three or four weeks into NFL play, review the draft board to see who you could have had instead. Take your shoes off before you kick yourself.

Live in the past, not in the present!

Mushin Muhammed and Ricky Williams have ruined more recent sports fantasies than the new female ESPN field reporters. Seriously, are we supposed to believe that fat chick actually played a sport at some point? Do we really want to picture her as a nose tackle for the boy’s high-school team?

Living in the past and telling your wife you don’t mind Disney films are surefire ways to end up with a sour look on your face. Don’t pick this year’s Mushin or Ricky.

Ignore the rooks!

This ain’t chess, man! I don’t need rooks! Not true, fellow owners: while it’s true that rookies almost always have less impact than a congressional hearing, there’s room for one or two on any squad. An exception is rookie QBs, who are like tapioca pudding: you’re wise to pass them by unless there’s nothing left on the shelf.

Let the chick pick!

Aw, isn’t that cute? The wife wants to play? And what, she used to go to school with Ahman Green at Nebraska? Aww, shucks, let’s pick him. Nicely done. That pick should earn you some scolding on the message boards. Pick a decent sleeper when she gets off your lap to catch the latest Desperate Housewives update. Or better yet, tell her to schedule her nail appointment for ten minutes after your draft starts. Even if she watched football in college, she was probably drunk and with another guy, and you don’t want to think about that.

Um…who’s the coach again?

Failing to respect the impact that the coaching staff has on a team is about as dumb as hitting on tall chicks at a WNBA game. You deserve to get your ass kicked for both. Draft a RB on a Belicheck-coached squad and you’ll be blessed with the kind of mediocrity that graced CBS in the 90’s…and…um…the 2000’s so far.

Bye weeks: give everyone a break at once!

Another surefire way to sniff the toilet biscuit is to draft without considering the effect of bye weeks on your roster. Sure, you might get lucky and draw the Perennial League Loser (PLL) during the week when you’re resting both starting RBs and your QB, but the shame of losing to the PLL should outweigh that optimism.

Schedules are for die-hards!

Man, with so much to worry about, why bother figuring out who’s got the most difficult schedule? After all, performers perform, right? Right. Ask Rudi Johnson what he thinks about playing the Baltimore D twice in one season. And any guess why Stephen Alexander’s always smiling? For starters, he plays Arizona twice a year…

Lack of preparation has already begun for this year’s Toilet Bowl. Best of luck, owners!

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